Awesomepaw and Guinnesspaw save the world
by IceDynamiteDragonflyStars
Summary: Random, insane, crazy, nonsensical crackfic. And no flaming us for enforcing stereotypes, we're Irish. When IrelandClan gets into serious trouble, it is up to Awesomepaw, Guinnesspaw, Sparklyshamrockleaf, Kettleclaw, Calculatorbrain and Pizzaclaw to SAVE THE WORLD FROM THE EVIL TALKING BAY TREES!1! Co-written with PixiePeacockPOW. Send in a cat to be in the next chapter! :)
1. Chapter 1

**_DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO UPDATE A FANFICTION?_ It's just that I have the first chapter of my first fanfic uploaded,( it's an Ice Age fic called Choices, if you're interested) and I have _no idea _how to write the next. So yeah. Help? ****  
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><p><strong>Awesomepaw<strong> and Guinnesspaw(TM-ed) were randomly strolling through their homefull territory of IrelandClan. "OMG IRELAND IS SOOOOOO AWESOME" yelled A**wesomepaw** to the wooooooooorld.

Leprechaunhat and Pot'o'goldpelt ,their mentors,tangoed along with them. Even though the tango isn't Irish. "I love prophecies, boy" Guinnesspaw said dreamily in his Cork accent .(BOY)

"I am, like, totes Irish, dude," said Leprechaunhat in his inexplicable New Jersey accent. (DUDE).

**Awesomepaw **randomly fell asleep. In his dream there was a random short blonde woman singing in Spanish for no apparent reason. "**Awesomepaw,** I am here with a prophesy. You must complete my challenge. It is: You must have a party with Four from Divergent, dine with your neighbors in NoshClan, then capture Elsa from Frozen, Smaug the Dragon and Kermit the Frog. Then, get them to open an animation portal so you can travel to Titans Tower, capture Silkie, then take Silkie up a volcano, throw him in, then tapdance on the volcano to Nyan Cat.''

''Why are you here, Shakira? Why isn't Bluestar or someone awesome here?''

''Starclan are currently at the mall getting their nails done and eating fried duck. So I filled in.''

''Okay.'' Then he woke up. Someone ran past with a mouthful of lettuce. ''**Awesomepaw, **you are amzing! It yelled. True story. It happened to me the other day.

"Leprechaunhat?"

"Ya"

"It's raining Uno cards"

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?"

"Shmerrr?"

"Hrrrrrrrm?"

"Rock."

"Scissors. I win 'cause scissors cuts rock. I did it once." **Awesomepaw **believed him, because scissors obviously don't cut rock. It was why the game was ironic.

Guinnesspaw  said,"Guesss what boy! Last night i got a pro-phe-cyyyyyy"

"Awesome".

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><p>5 minutes later...<p>

"Oooooooh we are almost in NoshClan territory... yikes! I can sniff a patrol!" said Pot'o'goldpelt.

"Is Rachel Allen's Cooking show on yet?"moaned **Awesomepaw.**

"Uh?''

"IS RACHEL ALLEN'S COOKING SHOW ON YET?''

"Uhm... Yeah, she's teaching people how to make crystallised orange peel right now as IceDynamiteDragonflyStars types.''

''So she is,'' answered the cat you assume to be **Awesomepaw.** But I didn't say it was, for all you know Nicki Minaj said it.

Meanwhile, the patrol uneventfully passed by. They didn't spot any of the cats even though they passed only 0.34789745845098237459845983759183756892387985678723645814918734908175390487509842375983759207598042375987467 millimetres away from them. Rachel Allen's cooking show finished. And so did the first chapter of this story. Bye.

Just kidding.

Pizzaclaw,who was leading the patrol, spotted them because his eyes were on his butt. He was a pizza coloured cat with amazing purplish-orange eyes. Yeah, I know that isn't a colour. It is now. Because.

"Its the midgets from GreenClan'' yayed Marshmallowtail."YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!''

'' are you in this clan''

''IrelandClan,I have you know'' corrected **Awesomepaw.** The last patrol member, Baconface, ate some cloud-flavoured iPod touches. Try them sometime, they're more awesome than cloud-flavoured Samsungs. True fact.

''Um,Pizzaclaw..''

"what!oh uh,ATTACK!''

"Two secs there, ,'' answered Guinnesspaw. ''I'm not ready. I'm pretty busy this week, I got a school play''

"Should've gone to Specsavers''

''OK... lets just go back to camp...'' said Pot'o'goldpelt, who was weirded out.

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><p>Back at camp...<p>

Goldattheendoftherainbowyaylet'shaveapartystar was bored. He looked at the deputy, Sparklyshamrockleaf. Everyone likes looking at Sparklyshamrockleaf. Everyone likes Sparklyshamrockleaf, period. SHE'S SO PRETTY! She has sparkyley shamrock green fur. Her eyes are incredibly GREEN. They're the greenest things ever since Michael Collins invented green in 1912.

Sparklyshamrockleaf is a Mary Sue. As if that wasn't obvious. **  
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''Yipeee! Yolo, its the apprentices and their mentors,back from training!'' squealed Sparklyshamrockleaf,with half of IrelandClan's toms following her, drooling. And here we leave IrelandClan, mainly because I need to get this published before bedtime. YOLO.


	2. Chapter 2

**_ALLIEGANCES:_**

**IrelandClan:**

**LEADER: **Goldattheendoftherainbowyaylet'spartystar - Gold tom with a rainbow coloured tail and eyes.

**DEPUTY: **Sparklyshamrockleaf - Sparkly green she-cat with green eyes. Her eyes are greener than anything else green EVER

**MEDICINE CAT: **Potatoface - Potato-coloured tom (nicknamed chippy)

**WARRIORS: **Kissintheblarneystonenose- Indigo she-cat

Niallfromonedirectionfur- he looks like Niall from One Direction

Stpatrickheart- Gold'n' green tom

_apprentice-FatherTedpaw_

Dublinfoot- Grey she-cat with neon pink eyes

_apprentice-Cowintherainpaw_

Pubclaw-Bronze tom

_apprentice-Emeraldislepaw_

Luckysheepwhisker- SERIOUSLY fluffy white tom.

_apprentice- Goldattheendoftherainbowyaylet'sparty Junior_

Leprechaunhat- Black tom with a ginger beard and a green hat with a buckle

_apprentice-Guinnesspaw_

Pot'o'goldpelt- Gold glowing tom

apprentice-**Awesomepaw**

Turnipbreath- Turnip-coloured tom

Greenwhite'n'goldfur- Green,white and gold she cat.

Love/hateheart- pretty blonde she cat that has multiple personality disorder (lovin' and hatin')

_apprentice-FatherDougalpaw._

**APPRENTICES: **FatherTedpaw- brown tom with a patch of white hair on his head

Cowintherainpaw- huge apprentice with hooves, black and white patched fur and horns. She also likes eating grass. The clan found her in a field somewhere. She isn't a cow. Really. Okay, she _might _be. But that's not the point.

Emeraldislepaw- Green tabby she-cat

Guinnesspaw- Dark brown tom with froth on his head, paws and tail. And yes, his name has to be underlined. AT ALL TIMES.

**Awesomepaw- **Green, white and gold dappled tom with rainbow eyes.

FatherDougalpaw- Brown tom with a patch of blonde hair on his head.

Goldattheendoftherainbowyaylet'sparty Junior- The leader's son. Looks exactly like him

**QUEENS:** Whiskyflower-Magenta with amber eyes

Leprechaunleaf-Silver and scarlett

Carrauntoohilheart- blue and violet stripes

**ELDERS:**Goldattheendoftherainboeyaylet'sparty Senior- Goldattheendoftherainbowyaylet'spartystar's dad. Looks exactly like him !

Gingerbeard- ummm... ginger beard

**NoshClan**

**Leader: **Delectablestar- Black tom with a gummy-dinosaur shaped marking on his forehead

**Deputy:**Pizzaclaw- pizza coloured tom with eyes on his butt

**Medicine cat**: Mintshapedear- mint green she-cat with mint-shaped ears

_Apprentice- Caesarsaladpaw_

**Warriors:** Baconface- tom who looks like he's made of bacon

Marshmallowtail- fluffy pink tom. He's the cheerfullest tom EVER

Taco'n'ketchupfromMcDonald'snose- Ketchup coloured she cat

_apprentice-Chipbuttypaw_

Cadbury'sdairymilkfoot- chocolatey she-cat

_Apprentice-skittlepaw _(and no, skittlepaw doesn't get a capital letter at the start of his name. He lost it at YOUR local McDonald's. If you happen to find it, there's a four cent reward. Please return it to him.)

Sushiandsoysaucetongue- Dark brown tom wrapped in seaweed

**Queen(s):**

Rum'n'raisinicecreamnose- Vanilla coloured she-cat

**Elder(s):**

Sunnysideupeggtail- cream coloured tom with a giant yellow spot on his back.

**ElectronicsClan:**

**Leader:** WiFistar: green she cat with constant wifi signals coming out of her fur. She generates free, password-less WiFi.

**Deputy:** Laptoplap: Tom with transparent-coloured fur and eyes.

**Medicine cat:** iPhonebrain- clever black and white she cat (according to my calculations she has an IQ of 27346283756837654387468792807y545)

_apprentice-iPodpaw_

**Warriors: **Kettleclaw- stainless steel coloured tom. When he puts water in his mouth it boils. He's really hot, both in a handsomey way and the 100-degrees, boiling water way.(For that perfect cuppa)

_apprentice- He doesn't have one; he's too awesome. Not as awesome as **Awesomepaw, **but awesome all the_ same.

Toasterfoot- Kettleclaw's less attractive brother. Neon orange tom that occasionally pops.

Calculatorbrain- iPhonebrain's twin sister. Her brain is like a calculator.

_apprentice-vacuumcleanerpaw_

Refridgeratorheart- silver magnetic she-cat

_apprentice-Refreezeratorpaw_

**Queen(s):**

Tabletflower- Purple with white eyes

**Elder(s): **

Lightbulbpelt- shiny flashy gold tom. He occasionally lights up. He is Toasterfoot and Kettleclaw's dad. In his day, he was equally hot. (In his day)(Also, we only mean he was as hot as Kettleclaw, because Toasterfoot is the least hot cat anybody has ever come across.)


	3. Chapter 3

**RANDOMNESS 4EVAAAAAAAA! Prepare for some tacos.**

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><p>Bia is a loner. She was rejected from both IrelandClan and NoshClan because Bia is Irish for Nosh. NoshClan refused her because her name was in Irish and IrelandClan rejected her because her name means Nosh. And ElectronicClan refused her because they're meanies. They hurt my feelings. And my skin. And they get poor grades.<p>

"Sup''said Guinnesspaw

"No'in'' said Leprechaunhat

''I need to see Goldatheendoftherainbowyayletspartystar''

''KK''

They walked up to the leader's den. He yelled at them to shut up, go away and kiss Mulch, 'cause he was doing yoga. Badly. But no one said that.

"OMG IS THAT A RAINBOW?!" Shouted **Awesomepaw. **Indeed it wasn't.

Guinnesspaw sighed at his friend's noobness. "No it isn't. It is clearly a flying dwarf using fartpower to fly.

Leprechaunhat squinted in a very. Serious. Manner. "Are you being sarcastic?"

"No. Hey, a LEPrecon!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA? I am the only leprechaun here! This is a very serious matter, young man. Wipe that remorseful look offa yer face!" Guinnesspaw Immiediately put on a cheerful grin.

Anyways, back to the LEPrecon. Her name was Holly. not. True. Seriously though, her name was actually Holly. If you have read Artemis Fowl, yay, you know her. Yay. It's one of the awesomest series ever. If you haven't read it, shame on you.

Holly was looking for the flying, fartpowered dwarf. His name was Mulch. not. True. Seriously though, his name was actually Mulch. If you have read Artemis Fowl, yay, you know him. Yay. It's one of the awesomest series ever. If you haven't read it, shame on you.

Butler and Artemis materialised out of the bushes. Those were their names. not. True. Seriously though, those were their actual names. If you have read Artemis Fowl, yay, you know them. Yay. It's one of the awesomest series ever. If you haven't read it, shame on you.

Anyway, back 2 da storay.

Holly looked at the cats. "Have any of you seen a dwarf. No, that does not get a question mark at the end, SO SHUT UP, POT'O'GOLDPELT!1! Yes, that one there was deliberate! I am not weird! Artemis is weird! From your un-bff Holly."

Mulch materialised, crying. "I thought _I _was your un-bff!" *sniff*

Pot'o'goldpelt stared at the intruders. His eye twitched. They were more maddening than five **Awesomepaws.** _Five._ That was annoying. "Come on," he said," let's go back to camp. The leader should be finished his yoga by now."

carrots.

''HUH?'' huh-ed Artemis. Artemis never huh-s.

Everyone gasps.

''Gasp''

''Gasp''

''Gasp''

(This is everyone gasping)

Moment over. Continue. Holly regained her sanity. The shock of seeing Artemis say 'huh' was such a shock she snapped back to her senses. 'Huh' isn't even a word.

Holly put on her businesslike face. "Yes. Let's go to your leader. He might actually have some sanity..."

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><p>The cats, Holly, Artemis, Butler and Mulch walked through the woods. It was a lovely day, with lots of heavy rain and thunderclouds that were almost as loud as Mulch's farts. Mulch glared at the author. "My farts aren't that loud. They're <em>way <em>louder!" So the co-author, Pow, poked him in the ribs. Holly smacked him with a cupcake that was growing on a tree. Artemis ate some liquor...ice. Hey, did anybody notice liquorice is a combo of the words 'liquor' and 'ice'? I didn't, lol. Anyways, we are not here to discuss language and the origin of words. We are here to... Okay, I have no idea why I am wasting time writing this, or why you are wasting time reading it.

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§ (just wanted to try that symbol thingummybob there. Apologies. Hopefully it came out.)

Anyway, back to the story. The gang soon arrived at camp. There they caught sight of some very familiar faces...

A random horse-man was sitting next to the leader, playing Flappy Bird. He lost. Badly. He flung the iPod he had been using into the dirtplace. He missed. Badly. The piece of machinery hit familiar face No2, No1. No1 was a demon. His name was actually No1. not. True. Seriously though, his name was actually No1. If you have read Artemis Fowl, yay, you know him. Yay. It's one of the awesomest series ever. If you haven't read it, shame on you. No1 teleported away as soon as he appeared. Mainly because I haven't read book 5 of Artemis Fowl. Yeah, I know, it's _**horrifying.**_ But still. So anyways, familiar face No2.

Familiar face No2 was a short, pointy-eared guy who was smoking a fungus cigar. It smelled more _**horrifying **_ than the fact I haven't read book 5. I'm nearly done four though. Anyway, there was much squealing and hugging of familiar faces. Yay.

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><p><strong>So, another chapter, with much breaking of the 4th wall and annoying charachter intros. Yay. <span><em>PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE <em> review! *sigh.* So now the sugar from the cupcake I just ate kicks in. Of course. If it had done that five minutes earlier, the chapter might've been slightly funny. D'arvit. **

**3 Y'all, thanks for taking time to review, but I will 3 you even more if you decide to review! And I'll give you a toffee! **

** (Those are meant to be toffees, btw)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hellooooooooooooooo! This is chapter 3, I fink. I fink that fink is actually a word, but i know nofink. Yup. This story is also written by PixiePeahenPOW. Direction and magnitude, OOOOOh YEAHHHHH! Vector! **

**Actually, it could be chapter 4, or even 5. CAPS LOCK, Somewheeeeeeereeee ooooooover the raaaaaiiiiinbooooooowwwww!**

**I don't pwn warriors nut i certainly own Awesomepaw and Guinnesspaw.**

It was raining cats and dogs that day. Literally. But as soon as the cats 'n dogs touched the ground, they,uuuuhhhhhh, disappeared or somefink.

The Artemis Fowl characters had teleported back to their world and the apprentices were EXTREMELY bored.

"Ahhh, 'tis a lovely day," ahh-ed Guinnesspaw.

"Yup," ahhh-greed **Awesomepaw.**

Then, something lit up the sky. It was...could it possibly be... a- a- a... a.. a- RAINBOW!?

"I'm RAINBOWED -UP!" yelled **Awesomepaw,** and Guinnesspaw mewed his agreement.

"You know what we should do," said Guinnesspaw.

''Yeah."

They looked at each other.

"Time for... RAINBOW SLIDING!"

They climbed up the rainbow quicker than... ummmm, apprentices climbing up rainbows.

"Whoa, you can, like see the whole of IrelandClan!'' said **Awesomepaw **in awe.

''And NoshClan and ElectronicsClan,'' added Guinnesspaw.

''THREE, TWO, ONE-''

And down the rainbow they slid, quicker than apprentices sliding down rainbows.

''I wonder where the rainbow will end?" said Guinnesspaw.'' I fink there'll definitely be gold though.''

''Guinnesspaw- wait OH SORRY! I mean _Guinnesspaw_, weren't we supposed to be on patrol, like right NOW?''

''OOOOOOOOOOOH NO! And no apprentice was supposed to leave camp because of the greencough! Wait, then why are we on patrol?"

''WHO CARES! YIKES, WE'LL HAVE TO CLEAN OUT THE ELDERS!" yelled **Awesomepaw.**

They didn't even notice that they were nose-deep in a pile of-

"Goooolllllld!" squealed Guinnesspaw in his awesome Cork accent, boy.

Suddenly, they felt something grow on their foreheads. It was a HORN! Like a UNICORN'S horn! With a built-in Marshmallow Laser!

They started having a sparkle-fight and ate the marshmallows that they shot out of their horn. They also jumped on the random trampoline that was there, rolled about in Mallow Goo and caught the sequins that were falling from the sky. **Awesomepaw **and Guinnesspaw felt like three year olds as they sucked on their candy while watching Frozen on the fluffy sofa.

Where were they exactly? In SequinClan. What was SequinClan? A clan for Unicorns.

**Yaaaay! SequinClan is the best clan EEEVVVVEEERRRRRRRR! **

**Free sparkles!**


	5. Chapter 5

**YOLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THIS IS AN EASTER CHAPTER! WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP fix it felix WHOOP WHOOP no capitals RANDOMNESS hi HOW ARE YA ok bye. The words stole the other words' capitals. We've fixed it NOW. oh NO. We HaVEn'T.**

**OH And BTw HAPPy EASter fRom us :) **

**white chocolate is borf.**

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><p>"Knock knock,"said <span>Guinnesspaw.<span>

"Who's there?" asked **Awesomepaw.**

**"**The interruptive Cow.''

"The interrupting co-"

"MOO.''

_**HASHTAG LOL!**_

**Awesomepaw **and Guinnesspaw were in SequinClan. Unicorns were bouncing around much like carrots would if they could bounce.

''My name is, my name is, my name is OLLY!''

''WHAT THE!'' said Baymax (UNICORN VERSION)

''OH NO YOU DON'T!'' Olly ran away sobbing much like a cabbage would if it could run away sobbing.

Meanwhile, **Awesomepaw **and Guinnesspaw sat in the corner, being lost, eating fluffy stuff and smelling unicorn Annabeth's hair. It smelled of lemon. Annabeth is a doodah. From the PERCY JACKSON series. She frowned at **Awesomepaw **and Guinnesspaw. "Dudes, we's outside. Dere ain't no corners. WHAAA! BURN!''

She had decided to be completely out of character today. "An' stop smellin' me lov'ly blonde hair, FO' SHIZZLE!" Yep. VERY out of character.

'' w'', said Guin**somepa**w. That's a cross between **Awesomepaw **and Guinnesspaw. (Unicorn) Annabeth's out-of-characterness had merged them. she is gone. boom. no capslock. oooh compound words eh.

''i have a fact,'' said Guinnesspaw,'' the plural of boss is boii. or bosss. then they realised- it was _olly _who had stolen the precious capitals! they slapped him until he GAVE THEM BACK ALL IN ONE GO AND A FEW LEFT OVER.

Ulalalallalallllalalaallala lets go 2 the centry.

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§. Anyway. As revenge for smacking him, Olly teleported them back to da Clanz.

MollyMalonepaw, a new apprentice, threw cockles and mussels alive alive O at them.

''NOOOOOO! THE PAIN!''Guinnesspaw ehed. He ate some airy air. Then he thought, where did that air come from!? Then he farted it out. SUDDENLY OLLY APPEARED TOI GIVE THEM A PROPHESY AND A LOAD OF CAPITALS TOO.

He levitated for a second, burping. "You must get Pizzaclaw, Kettleclaw-" he broke off to buy an electric fan from the Centra at the Centre of the Earth because even the thought of Kettleclaw was too darn hot, fo' shizzle. "As I was saying, Pizzaclaw, Kettleclaw, Calculatorbrain and Sparklyshamrockleaf and y'all must team up against the evil talking bay trees that are trying to DESTROY THE WORLD."

Then Demi Tomato came along and they started singing Up. Have a doughnut. (O). Then they had a party and you're invited there's a free invitation if you review. Tell us your name and we will MAKE YOU BE IN THE PARTY, you privileged little human beings. Make up a cat. Have a doughnut. (O). And **Awesomepaw **and Guinnesspaw did after all get their tails pierced. They measured the diameter of **Awesomepaw's **eye. Then they pierced it too. It didn't hurt. Then the planned the party. It will be in the next chapter.


End file.
